[Mocht4R]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

[Matt_]

Thats funny heres another:

A priest, and a child malester walk in to a bar, and that was just the first guy.

[Mocht4R]

Good one lol.

3 blondes walk into a bar, you'd think the first one would notice.

[ootsoo]

[mark]

A San Serif walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get out, we don't serve your type in here".

DL

[Lazy8]

After the first day of the World Brewers Conference, executives of the largest beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.

The CEO of Anheuser-Busch naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.

Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.

"Solidarity, gentlemen," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

[MCT]

haha !

[suryad]

Wow these are awesome!

[Mocht4R]

Lol. I love bar jokes. Send more, more, more, MORE, MORE!!!!! *faints*

[EchoNoise]

A penguin, an elephant and an irish guy walks into a bar. They all sit down, and the bartender looks at them and says "What? Is this some kind of a joke !?"

[Lazy8]

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Two blocks north," said the bartender, "at the BP filling station."

[Wolf_Demon]

wise bartender

[diesel_98a]

those are awesome.................

[Djé]

Variation on the first one in the post:
A guy sits at the bar and orders: "a whisky befor it starts".
The bartender brings the drink and asks "what is about to start?".
The guys doesn't reply, drinks straight and asks again: "another one before it starts".
Same question but no answer.
The thing goes again 2 or 3 more times before the bartender, worried about this strange customer and seeing him geting drunk, asks him for the payment.
"There it starts" goes the guy.


Sorry, i did not really get the jokes in post #2, #3 and perhaps #10.
I suspect some hole in my knowledge of the english language (only your base are belong to us).
I don't have any problem joking with priest/child molester nor blondes or penguins (anything in facts); it's just, I think, that i don't get the hidden meaning in the last phrase.
I'd love if any native carred to explain.

[mark]

#2 A priest and a child molester walk into a bar. Then a second person walks in. (Normally you would be thinking of two individuals in the first sentence but some priests have been found guilty of child molestation)

#3 Three blondes walk into a bar. You think the first would notice. (Referring to a bar or rod as opposed to a bar in which you get a drink. This joke is good for testing someone's blondeness<DL gets suspicious about Dje'>)

#10 The joke starts out like a joke so the bartender asks if it as a joke, taking it in a different direction than you would assume. Funny, cause it's silly.


DL

[Djé]

@DL Thank you so much for taking time to explain ... and test my blondeness

Sorry, I was not clear enough, my question was not that much about what is funny in the jokes (priest/chield molester association jokes exist in french too) but rather HOW ('grammatically' or idiomatically) it works.

#2: I understand much better YOUR putting:
A priest and a child molester walk into a bar. Then a second person walks in.
where the joke comes with 'second person'
than Matt's:
A priest, and a child malester walk in to a bar, and that was just the first guy.
where he uses the rather undetermined (for me) that. I did not find the link from 'that' to the molester straight enough, especially beside 'the first guy'.
But again, it's most probably just because of my poor mastering of the language.

#3: I'm just starting to get it
First, yes, i think I missed the second meaning of bar (which I knew).
Second, I didn't know the meaning of 'to notice' as 'to issue a warning' (to others), although, dumb me, I knew the word 'notification'. I only knew the meaning similar to 'paying attention' (for oneself).
Sorry, I should have googled (define:xxx) it earlier.
Now I'm browner.

#10 Yes, I got (and liked) it that way but then I was unsure because of the 2 others.



Now, another joke:
A group of friends are siting at a table in a bar.
One of them is so drunk that he falls from his chair.
His friends help him to sit back but soon he falls again.
After 3 or 4 more tries, they just leave him on the floor and forget about him.
Still very drunk, he wakes up, remembers his wife waiting for him and decides to go back home.
He can't stand up so he just crawls out of the bar and then crawls in the street.
Somehow he manages to open his door from the ground and crawls in the bedroom where his wife is sleeping.
Without making too much noise, he undress (still on the floor) and slips in the bed unnoticed.
So in the morning he his rather surprised to be waken up by his angry wife shouting at him:
- "you were drunk again yesterday!"
- "but how do you know? I didn't make any noise when coming back."
- "How do I know? You left your wheelchair at the bar, you id***!"

cheers.

This post has been edited by Djé: 08 March 2006 - 10:44 PM

[mark]

@Dje'-Notice in this sense does not indicate a warning to others. Just someone being aware of something. "You would think the first blonde would notice." Is only indicating that if she is the first, then she should be aware of what is in front of her, but she's a blonde and so are the other two, so into the bar they walk.

In the sense where you might say 'notice' to someone, you are only making them aware of something. eg. "Dje', notice one of the jokes above. It doesn't use proper English grammar and proved a little confusing to some people."

Joke: A guy heads home from a night of heavy drinking and on his way, he stumbled and fell into several rose bushes. He sustained numerous cuts and punctures and was bleeding quite a bit. When he got home he quietly snuck into the bathroom and used a whole box of bandaids to patch himself up. When he finished, he went quietly to bed. In the morning, he woke to his wife screaming at him for being drunk the night before. He asks "How do you know I was drunk?" She replied "You're all cover in blood and cuts and the bathroom mirror is covered in bandaids!"

DL

[Djé]

OK . I associated the noticing with the 'walking into' action, not with the bar itself, so it couldn't make any sense: for sure you're aware of what you're doing! Well, yes, maybe if you're very very blonde...
Definitely the same kind of problem as with #2. but now i know better!

Anyway, a last one:
A very drunk guy happens to look outside of the window of the bar where he is, when a nun (the old style, dressed in full black from tip to toes) is passing by. The guy rush outside, catch-up with the nun and start to ... beat her just like a hooligan with his fists and feet until she soon fall down, moaning in pain.
Then he stops, looks at her proudly and goes:"This time, Batman, I got you!".

[Lazy8]

That reminds me of another one:

A guy in a penthouse bar witnesses a severely enebriated man downing a double shot of tequila. The man slams the empty glass on the counter and immediately pitches himself over the balcony railing.

The guy watching him--too surprised to shout out--was completely stunned when the jumper emerges from the elevator only minutes later, completely unscathed. He approaches the other (who is busy ordering another round), and manages to stammer, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump ten stories to the GROUND!".

The jumper slurrs, "Well, I can't make total sense of it. It all started as a bet between me and my buddies, after discussing how drunks always seem able to walk from crashes that really mess up the sober drivers. My friend said you get so relaxed when you're good-n-drunk, that nothing could hurt you, and he set out to prove it. That was the best darned bet I ever lost--now I do this for fun. Watch this."

The man takes a shot, slams it down, and leaps out the window with whoop. The first guy runs to the window and shakes his head in amazement as he sees the other arising from the sidewalk to brush the dust off. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The guy figures he has to try it too, so he nurses his buzz with a double shot of courage, smacks the empty glass on the bar takes a dive over the balcony. He hits the pavement hard, with a particularly ugly SPLAT!

As our original jumper is ordering another round, the bartender says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."


Bonus Bar Joke:

This guy walks into a small town bar in Texas and orders a white wine. The bartender looks around and whispers, "You ain't from around here are you, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

"Take my advice," The bartender says, "and try a beer instead. The good folk of our town don't take too kindly to freaks from out of town pretending to be better than us. What do you do up there in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxi-WHAT? What the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals." That raises an eyebrow of the bartender.

A couple of good ol' boys approach, asking the barkeep, "Is this fella giving you trouble, Billy?"

The bartender replies, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

This post has been edited by Lazy8: 10 March 2006 - 03:15 AM

[devang]

hahahahahah... the daredevil guy!