[RJM]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,
you just sit where you want) passengers were
apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, we're SURE everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
and, in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on
the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I
know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was
the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[nitroshift]

RJM, on Jun 9 2006, 01:12 PM, said:

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

which reminds me of how romanian policemen are getting their underwear on: yellow goes to front, brown goes to back.

[raza]

I didn't get the last one.Wat was funny abt it?

I didn't get the last one.Wat was funny abt it?

[mark]

One had an accident in the front that scared the other enough that he had an accident in the back.

This post has been edited by DL: 13 June 2006 - 03:31 PM

[Railman5]

RALMAO

[T D]

OMG! In the last joke, the passenger soiled! This should be banned!

[prx984]

lmao such good humor.